As a child you sat, watching the world around you, spinning out of control. Laying in your room at night, holding the covers over your head, hearing them fight. Nothing he did was ever good enough and you felt the words as they were so angrily said, etch into his heart. Watching her become more invisible as the years went by, because of the words that were never said. The drift was slow, long and withdrawn, that by the time you even noticed, they had learnt the art of how to pretend everything was just fine.

As a teenager you had no ability to provide any logic to any situation. Everything happened on an emotional whim. Do you even know how this came to be? When did it all change? Where was the exact moment you went from being a child to a teen? You slowly matured and tried to make friends. Looking back, it watches like a 90s sitcom rerun, with years of confusion, feeling lost and alone.

However, it was the years between that were the hardest for you. With so many deaths, including the suicide of a close friend. The grief cycle had no completion date and you knew that, but it felt like others didn’t, especially when it came to bills that had to still be paid. The push to deal with it was strong. So, you pulled yourself together to not disappoint anyone.

You did not stop to take a breath. Looking into the future was the only standpoint you took now. In a whirlwind of planning and organisation. Knowing, that if you simply sat for one minute you would be losing precious time. Feeling the obligation to keep writing that assignment, working that shift and winding down going out on a Friday and Saturday night.

Finding yourself doing anything to stimulate the brain. You know you have to do well, no matter what. But what happened when you felt yourself start to spin. When you started to feel anxious and didn’t want to go to class anymore. Your attendance level slowed, but you lied to cover it up. You thought surely it was just a small moment in time. Surely it was just stress. No big deal.

It wasn’t until we fast forward 15 years. You are laid down on the bed after drinking a whole bottle of rum, because you could not stand to be sober anymore. Shaking and gasping for air, for anything to come forth so you knew you had to still be alive. And in that moment of wanting to die, you realise something. Something that had been staring you in the face all along. The person you had been grieving for, wasn’t any of the tragic deaths of family or friends. The person you had been grieving for…..was you. The person who lost themselves along the way, pretending to be who they thought everyone else wanted. Without knowing, you had become invisible too.