TLDR: Mind altering drugs are the answer

When is it time for things to end? How do you make the final decision, that it a relationship you put blood sweat and tears into isn’t working anymore? I find these days, consequences are very real for me and being sober (alcohol) has forced me into this overly clear mindset, where I feel everything so intensely that I can’t seem to understand what I am actually meant to do anymore.

In my 20’s I just made decisions. I didn’t care about anyone and was very impulsive. Looking back on that time, I felt really sure of myself, even if the impulsive decisions were definitely not always positive ones, for myself, or others. The decisions that I did make, I didn’t deliberate on, I didn’t ask anyone else’s opinion and I just….did. It may not have felt good, but I didn't question or analyse my every single move or thought.

So, how do I make the decision now? Why am I feeling so cloudy when it comes to standing up for myself? I have always been so honest and brave in my words, but then motherhood happened, and I felt like I really needed to walk a ‘straight line’ and that feels like it’s causing me more mental pain than ever. It isn’t the true me.

I keep asking myself, what is wrong with me? All I can come up with is learnt behaviour. Watching a cycle of emotional abuse, whether intentional or not, led me into being naive and coercing myself into delusions that I felt were right at the time were possibly more rebellious in nature, due to lack of self care I had for myself. Why love myself for all that I am, when I don’t feel anyone else does?

Being told I talk too much, or I am too much, or I feel too much eventually takes a toll on the human psyche. There is only so much bullshit one can tolerate before they start to believe all that has been said, even if there are positives shoved in between the shit sandwich. Love is a fucker of a drug and even the deadliest of creatures can make it seem like the worst situation is the best with manipulative tactics.

I lost confidence in myself when I became a mother. I lost support, friends and I felt uncomfortable with what my body became as I completely forgot myself in the process of mothering. She became my whole life, building a life, building a career — that I completely forgot that I exist somewhere in between.

Trying to make a better life for everyone else, but myself. I got in the way of myself, and in that moment of realisation that life had thrown a literal truckload of fucking lemons at me, that I needed to get out of my own way for life to happen without the constant mental torture. Start making decisions that seem scary but all lead to the present moment, somewhere I had not stayed in for a very long time.

The short answer: psychedelics.