Untangling my mind.

I feel like I am constantly untangling my life and mind.

Which is what I have kind of been doing for so long in this lifetime.

When I first went to see my psychotherapist I had all these stories sitting above my head. I was so stressed out as I felt I had internalised my whole existence, not just in this life, but in others and I wanted to get it all out.

I thought this was through my psychotherapist, until she told me to push them all down. I was so confused!

Why can’t I tell my stories? If I push them all down, where do they go?

I distinctly remember my breakdown. I had spun out, laying on the bed, in a complete mess state, crying to a friend, saying I did not know what was going on and why this was happening to me.

I was remembering so many experiences in my life, where I felt unheard, unseen and when I was in a state of disrepair, and I felt alone, like there was nobody that was there for me.

I know now, that I was taught, through conditioning to disconnect and to feel forced to emotionally rely on myself. I now appreciate that alone time to reflect and heal and see it as a completely different space of importance. MY time to heal.

There is so much information that is being forced on us, to find ourselves before we find love, to love ourselves before we can love someone else and there is definitely a sense of truth to that. But I have never been a fan of absolutism and an extremist mindset.

From a very young age, I was writing about the darkest spaces of my soul. I was writing about the darkness that was overcoming me, I felt it as a vortex that was sucking me into it, that I could not escape.

I was experiencing insomnia from a very young age, I did not know how to express myself except with my poems of darkness (at least it was something!), and I now recognise that I was so incredibly sensitive to the world around me.

I had been constantly taking information in, and unable to process any of it — because being of such a young age, I was working off an intuitive space only without a clue about my conscious space, at all.

Many would say they remember from very early in their life, but my world when I try to remember it is, foggy and understated. It’s not that it wasn’t meaningful, but it was just happening intuitively, without being witnessed, by me or anyone else and just being in the present.

I’m still working on shifting this mindset of needing to “tell my story” and am very much wanting to do so less and less. Allowing all of that happened to just sit and be. Learning and explaining how I work is something that I am slowly understanding more and more as well, and I am enjoying recognising how I “work” so I can connect to my own identity I lost for so long.

Untangling my mind and life, is not about going over and over my stories, it’s not covering my pain, it’s not being restrictive with myself completely — but it is being open to feel the pain, the hurt, to cry and weep, to hold myself and love myself deeply in these moments.

To ask the stories to stay in the past, because they are in the past, and to learn how to support myself physically, where I have not been able to before.